Inspirational thought of the week:
Is taking its sweet time erasing you.
And you’ve got your demons
And darlin’ they all look like me.
‘Cause we had a beautiful magic love there …
What a sad beautiful tragic love affair.
— “Sad Beautiful Tragic,” Taylor Swift
Here at Bottom 10 Headquarters, located in the storage room where Jesse Palmer keeps his emergency supplies of arch supports and joint liniments for the contestants on “The Golden Bachelor,” we spent our September standing in line outside football stadiums around the country, not waiting to see football games or to see Taylor Swift, but to see Taylor Swift seeing football games.
Are Tay-Tay and Travis Kelce dating? We don’t know. But they seem to be, and at first blush the girl who grew up in Temple Owls territory and the former Cincinnati Bearcat might seem like an odd pairing. So might involving T-Swizzle, whose current tour has earned a reported $2.2 billion, in the Bottom 10. But look at the woman’s lyrics, why don’t you?
“It’s me. Hi. I’m the problem, it’s me.”
“And if I get burned, at least we were electrified.”
“I’m still a believer, but I don’t know why. I’ve never been a natural. All I do is try, try, try.”
Do those not sound like the cries of the teams of the Bottom 10? Heck, during this very tour Taylor even threw up an “L” sign!
— Taylor Swift Facts (@blessedswifty) April 22, 2023
With that in mind and with Arrowhead Stadium lathered up into a sequin-covered frenzy, we are going full Swiftie, finding Miss Americana’s songs that best fit every “Anti-Hero” on this list.
With apologies to Lawrence Taylor, Aaron Taylor, D’Andre Swift and Steve Harvey, here’s the Post-Week 5 Bottom 10.
1. No-vada (0-5)
“I Did Something Bad”
I’m not great at math — my accountant and every teacher I ever had can tell you that. But I do know that there are 133 FBS football programs. I also know that the Wuf Pack currently rank 131st in points for and 130th in points against. I also know that if you can’t score and you can’t keep the other guys from scoring, that’s bad. Like, as bad as I normally am at math.
2. U-Can’t (0-5)
“This Is Why We Can’t Have Nice Things”
On paper, a one-point loss to a Utah State program that goes bowling pretty much every winter doesn’t seem that bad. But when you realize the Huskies had a 17-point lead but lost when a would-be game-tying PAT was blocked with 40 seconds remaining, you realize that “on paper” is actually one of those newspapers that Jason Bourne likes to hide behind as he punches you in the face.
3. Sam Houston State We Have Problem (0-4)
In the Battle of FBS Newbies against Jacksonville State, the Bearkats seized an eight-point lead with 1:11 remaining, but immediately surrendered an eight-play, 75-yard touchdown drive in less than a minute as well as the 2-point conversion to force overtime. Not only did the Kats lose in OT, but we had a certified Bottom 10 moment when the overtime coin toss had to be redone because during the coin flip, the coin hadn’t actually flipped.
Ref asks for redo after OT coin toss flub
Before Jacksonville State and Sam Houston start overtime, the official tries to flip the coin, but it doesn’t actually flip.
4. Akronmonious (1-4)
“The Moment I Knew”
Speaking of math, we have spent a disproportionate amount of time this fall watching the MCU — the #MACtion Cinematic Universe — to see who among the one-and-something teams would make a statement that they were ready to break away. When our friends the Zips lost to the then-second-ranked Buffalo Bulls Not Bills — and did so via a blocked field goal in overtime, then, like my college girlfriend throwing all of my stuff out her 10th-floor dormitory window, that statement had been made.
5. UC(not S)F (3-2)
The Fightin’ Guses of UCF were up 35-7 in the third quarter before surrendering 35 unanswered points to Baylor. Even so, they still had a chance to win the game but missed a 59-yard field goal attempt as time expired. It was the biggest comeback in Baylor history and the biggest collapse in Orlando since I tried to do that “drinking around the world” thing at Epcot.
6. UMess (1-5)
“Right Where You Left Me”
Remember way back in the day, like, two weeks ago, when Arkansaw State was atop the bottom of these rankings and looked like a runway Red Wolf of a favorite to win the Bottom 10? Then the Wolves beat Southern Missed. Then they beat these guys, the team that even way-er back in the day, like five weeks ago, started the season as the top bottom team in the preseason Bottom 10, but opened the season with a promising win … and haven’t won since.
7. You A Bee? (1-4)
“You Need to Calm Down”
Trent Dilfer has always worn his heart on his sleeve, as witnessed by his emotion this week ahead of UAB’s annual Children’s Harbor Game supporting children battling illness. But if you saw him just a few days earlier, “discussing” a substitution infraction with his coaching staff, then you also know he wears slobber and seething bile on his sleeve like that Blazers mascot logo that spits fire.
Trent Dilfer incensed on the sideline after a costly penalty
Trent Dilfer erupts on multiple assistant coaches after UAB draws a costly illegal substitution penalty.
8. UTEPid (1-5)
“Back to December”
The Minors registered their fourth straight loss and fifth of the season, with their only victory coming against Incarnate Word of the FCS. That means they are one loss away from getting back to another December without bowl eligibility.
9. Charlotte 1-and-4’ers (1-4)
There were so many T-Swizzle options here. We could have gone with “Sweater” or even “Dress” or perhaps even “Cold As You” because as October temperatures fall and the Niners‘ keep piling up losses, maybe it’s time for Biff Poggi to try coaching a game in something with sleeves. The cutoff shirts are becoming like the fungus on the shower shoes of Nuke LaLoosh.
10. Stanfird (1-4)
“We Are Never Ever Getting Back Together”
As the season nears its halfway point, we have also officially entered the “oh dang, we won’t be playing again?” portion of the 2023 pre-realignment season. See: Stanford and Oregon, who have played 87 times dating back to 1900, including the current run of nearly uninterrupted annual meetings that reaches back to 1951. Next year this game will be replaced on the Cardinal‘s and Ducks’ schedules by the likes of Wake Forest and Michigan State — turning what used to be a Poulan Weed Eater Independence or Redbox Bowl matchup into a conference game.
Waiting List: FA(not I)U, R.O.C.K. in the UTSA, EC-Yew, The Pitt and the Pendulum, UVA Tech, Muddled Tennessee, the MCU (#MACtion Cinematic Universe), San No-sé State, Rod Tidwell’s alma mater, LSU’s feaux D, all the old angry guys who tweeted at me about Deion Sanders last week and will tweet at me about Taylor Swift this week