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The road to forging that mentor-mentee relationship can feel unclear. Knowing who to pursue and exactly how to approach them is intimidating, especially when you’re in a junior position.
But, seeking guidance through mentorship pays off: An overwhelming majority, 91%, of workers who have mentors are satisfied with their jobs, according to a 2019 survey by CNBC and SurveyMonkey.
Before pursuing a mentor relationship, you need to take a “self-inventory,” says Keita Williams, the founder of career coaching company Success Bully.
Start by asking yourself four questions:
- Where do I want to go?
- Where do I see my career developing?
- Who in this room has already done it?
- Who has the role I see myself growing into?
Then, you can pinpoint who you want to approach.
What you should look for in a mentor
Thema Bryant was the fourth black woman to be president of the American Psychological Association. Her mentor was the first.
“You want to look at if their success is in doing what you would like to do or something similar,” she says. “Because it’s hard for people to mentor you if they don’t know the world or track that you’re trying to be on.”
Along with professional trajectory, you also want to consider whether the two of you generally will get along, says Bryant, who is a professor of psychology at Pepperdine University and did her postdoctoral training at Harvard Medical Center.
“You’re looking for similar interests or goals, but you’re also looking at personality or temperament,” she says.
You both should feel comfortable around one another.
You’re looking for similar interests or goals, but you’re also looking at personality or temperament.
Be realistic about how much time the other person might have.
“A mistake people often make is they look at the highest person in a field and they want that person to be their mentor,” Bryant says. “That person is not going to have as much time to pour into you as someone who is maybe mid-level.”
If you’re looking for someone who can respond to emails right away or meet multiple times a month, the most senior person at your company is unlikely to have that capacity.
Instead, you can approach someone more junior.
Don’t limit yourself to just one mentor, either, Bryant says, especially if you’re looking for guidance in your personal life.
“There are some mentors who are strictly business and that’s how they’ll approach you,” Bryant says. “They are giving you great jewels, but they won’t give you the warm fuzzy. You might have another mentor who you can talk to about your emotional well-being, but they might not have the business strategy for what you’re trying to get.”
Laalitya Acharya, 20, has had multiple mentors over the last 8 years. Acharya, who is originally from Cincinnati, Ohio, is a student at Columbia University in New York City.
She met her first mentor through Etre, a program which matches young girls with potential role models. But she’s also sought support from those in or close to her age.
“I found lots of mentors from women who are already in their careers,” she says. “I also found mentors in peers, people a couple years older than me who participated in the same [academic] competitions as me.”
How to find a mentor
1. Reach out without an ask.
“I don’t think I’ve ever asked someone to be my mentor,” Williams says. “It’s a relationship and with any relationship you need to build trust.”
The easiest way to get on someone’s radar is to compliment them, she says.
“I literally have time on my calendar on Fridays where I send out random texts or emails of encouragement,” Williams says. “It has worked wonders for me throughout my career.”
Messaging someone without a clear agenda might seem awkward. But, if the note is authentic people are generally receptive.
“A genuine compliment can break the ice,” she says. “Most people like to be flattered or appreciated.”
Once you have a consistent back-and-forth, asking for a coffee date will feel more comfortable.
2. Work hard with the tools you have.
Bryant caught the eye of her mentor because she was “operating in her gifts,” she says. In other words, she was doing the most with the skills she had.
“If people see you’re not functionally at the level they are at but that where you are, you’re utilizing your gifts, knowledge, and opportunities people are drawn to invest in you,” she says.
Williams, too, says she has always “showed up from a place of service,” as opposed to a place of need. That way the relationship doesn’t feel one-sided.
3. Act on the advice they offer.
If your mentor does make suggestions for steps you can take to reach your goals, do them and then follow-up.
“You can say, ‘last time we talked you said it would be good for me to do these three things. I did these things and I wanted to check in,'” Bryant says.
This shows that you’re making good use of both parties’ time.
4. Be patient.
One compliment or coffee chat probably won’t result in a job offer being thrown your way, but it can spark a long term relationship, Williams says.
“You have to be willing to put yourself out there and willing to experience a little bit of rejection,” Williams says. “You might get an, ‘Oh thanks,’ and carry on. It might take a few more of those before you get into a conversation.”
Remember, mentorship is a long term investment.
“It requires everyone to show up, to be accountable, to be trustworthy, to do what they say they are gonna do,” she says. “There is no microwave mentorship. It’s more of a crockpot.”
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